Sometimes.I feel anxious when I have had friends or potential friends over and then comes the moment when people are sharing about their lives and stuff. And I decide to join in and end up sharing something so clumsily so that by the end of my story I am convinced that it has had the opposite effect of what i intended. Ok that’s SUPER specific. Generally after a hangout with people I like and want to like me back I worry incessantly that I did or said something that will make them not like me. That one or two paragraphs that will define our relationship or lack thereof.
Research suggests this is rooted in an unhealthy preoccupation with the self. Which makes sense. I am convinced that I need to calculate and tiptoe my way into a friendship because if I just say something i feel it comes out all wrong and everyone is like “Oh you’re THAT kind of person. Yeah, nevermind I don’t like you. GOODBYE FOREVER.”
I am trying to tell myself that’s not how it works. Especially considering that these are kind people. But maybe that’s why I fear it. I fear that beneath the surface of kindness and social politeness they are really deciding to avoid me. I guess that’s why if I am apathetic about a relationship or even know I dislike someone then I don’t worry half as much about looking like an idiot.
So rant post today. I hope that writing this makes me stop obsessing. And that publishing it will result in at least one other person feeling relieved that they are not alone. I suppose my best course of action would be to try to do something that others might appreciate and therefore ease my mind? I don’t know. That is still trying to control other people’s impressions of me. . . I wonder what an impression of me would be? I hope it would be as funny as the people online I relate to and can laugh about it. That was a bad sentence. I apologize. I need to go to work now so no time to fix it.
Here are some funny sites I like:
Hyperbole and a Half
The Toast (mostly Mallory)
At least I can laugh about relating to this guy:
That’s all I can think of for now.
Are YOU suffering from PSEA? (That’s Post Social Event Anxiety.) Let’s start a support group or something. Or tell me about it in the comments, it might make you feel better. Or write your own blog post 🙂 Or keep it your deep dark secret and only write about it on materials you will immediately burn. Ya know whatever 🙂